Monday, April 26, 2010

Separation Anxiety

I haven't sewn much lately, you may have noticed. I threw some berets, scarves and mittens together from some recycled sweaters a few months ago, but that's been it. I hadn't been able to figure out why until the other day: I have separation anxiety. Since Alex came home from the hospital, it's been hard for me to banish myself up in my little loft to work on things. I want to be where he is, as much as possible. Going to work is so incredibly hard every day, because it means being away from him. I'd rather just be in the same room with him, no matter what each of us is doing.

I don't know if anyone who hasn't been through almost losing a loved one can understand this. I don't tend to be a clingy person; this is not a part of my personality already. This is new, since having watched Alex slip away into a coma, unreachable, leaving me desperate for any sign that he was still "in there." And when he came back, still so heavily drugged, I was waiting to see if there was any permanent damage, if he would be dealing with some level of brain damage, and/or personality change...I really don't know how to explain what that feels like, but to say that the result has been this: separation anxiety.

I need to hear him, see him, stick my face in his neck and smell him, as many times a day as I can, just to be sure he's still here. At the end of every day as we climb into bed, we look at each other and say, "Thanks for still being here." And I have a confession to make: I think nighttime is my favorite time of day now, because I can wake up at any time (I'm a very light sleeper) and hear him breathing, and reach out and touch him.

I have a wealth of materials and projects in the planning stages, and part of me wants to work on them and reap the benefits of having made myself some clothes that actually fit...but for now those benefits just don't outweigh the benefits of being near my sweet boy. I don't mean to sound dramatic, or self-pitying; what I do mean is to tell you this: Do not take a moment of your life with your beloved for granted. Be grateful for every minute, even when you're cross with each other. Appreciate every moment, every gesture. Give thanks for the love you have in your life.

I don't know when this anxiety will abate, and it isn't pleasant to be anxious so much of the time, but I am grateful for the lesson it is teaching me: Love all you can, all the time.

5 comments:

  1. crying now. Totally understand. Keep him close :)

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  2. definitely an important reminder of the importance of savouring each moment of life and time with the one(s) you love. It can be a little too easy to get caught up in the minutiae of petty concerns, so thanks for this beautiful post....

    thank you for your kind words on my outfit post! sounds like we share some similar tastes!!!

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  3. Thank you, Baroness.

    And yes, I do believe you and I share similar tastes. It seems like I'm always in love with your shoes! LOL

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